Hi... oh and I'm still a smoker.

Note To Self:

Hey there, dear bloggery.  I started this thing in October when I was fed up with smoking cigarettes.

...well GUESS what? I haven't successfully quit yet!

I'm going for it again and again and again! I feel like a velociraptor in Jurassic Park... I'm testing the fence for weaknesses. I won't give up. I'm determined to bust outta this cage and run rampant in the museum, terrorizing small children in the kitchen area.

Clever girl, indeed.

Here I go again on my own.

That's the last reference I'm dropping. No seriously. I have to get off the nicotine. All signs point to Quit, all the time. -sigh-

I have one whole camel in a pack; I intend to carry it around and stare at it, hold it, and sniff it to my heart's content -- without lighting it. This is a new method. Let's make it work.

Sincerely,
Self.

The future dissolves in reverse!

I have been listening to "This Ol' Heart of Mine" a lot. Isley Brothers. Love it.

Have had both Aaliyah and En Vogue stuck in my head for like a week and a couple days too. It's getting rough. 

I've learned that if you're in your apartment making out with a guy you barely know, listening to Pulp will fabricate a frisky frenzy and suddenly y'all might get to know one another really well.

There will be some discipline to follow... Since school let out (and I got A's) I've been digging it a little recklessly - namely, booze... So it goes. As the bathroom graffiti in Spider House once read, "Everything in moderation: Including moderation."

'Tree of Life' ----> Most amazing movie I've seen in a very long time. Beautiful. Intricate.

OK. Ook okok but guess what my big real news is!!

I applied to work in a national park next summer and I had a message on my phone yesterday evening from someone w/ the park calling about it! YES!!

Come what may, I am going to be in the woods for the entirety of next summer. I've had it with traffic and concrete and people  all around. I don't just want out... It's imperative that I   get  out. 

^^^ That's right, this is in the USA ^^^

I called Dad today - he's busy decorating for the holidays and something he brought up inspired me to write about it here, spread some merry-time juju!

He spoke of this bell - it's been a xmas decoration imperative for years. It's something uber groovy, and it deserves to be written about. His parents, aka my Mamaw and Papaw, came up from TX to VA and spent Christmas with Mom, Dad, and my big sister - an infant at the time - in 1983. They gave Mom & Dad a red bell-shaped plastic apparatus... It has a soft, thick red yarn to hang it by. We never hung it - Anyway you flick a switch on the bottom and it electronically plays some Christmas carol at random. Just the tones - 1983, remember? Cassettes were just getting on their feet! - and to the rhythm, a bulb comes on and goes off and on again inside the bell, illuminating it.

This was 1983, and now it's practically 2012 and that battery-operated bell still works just fine. I notice with every passing Christmas, Dad mentions how that bell still works like it's a miracle ... and it sorta is, the thing is so old and only annually dusted off.
See, Papaw died on the ides of March in 1984. He spent his last Christmas in VA with my parents and sister, and that bell was a gift he gave that year. And from all I've been told about him, I know he loved to sing.
A light-up singing bell.
I sure know I'm illuminated by music!

Cheers, Internet world. Here's to appreciation and to mystery.

It's been a while, and I am still learning to dig it. So much so that .. lately .. I'm digging it all the time. Despite being under the weather with allergies, I'm getting my ish done with school, the last week of classes.

Most recently I've learned something crazy: finally i'm old enough to be able to look back on the decade of my adolescence with a peculiar reverence. like as time goes by, suddenly the past  looks better and better. People need to cross that speed-bump and offer the same reverence to the present.

not scared of suck-cess

Two days! Twooooo days I've made it without a smoke, and I'm not frustrated or irritable. I've just had it with smoking.

Holy shit.

It's amazing. I have felt SO jubilant for the past two days, too! It's unreal.

I must say, cold turkey has been impossible for me this month - the times I've tried up until this point - but I think the most important decision I made was to not be angry with myself for relapsing. The first time I failed I bought a pack, then another, and another. The second time I just bummed a few. This time, I don't want to have to quit again!

Word choice is so important too. Today I had to stop myself from saying to a few friends, "I'm trying to quit again and I'm doing well so far!" because that sentence has a zillion gaps in it. ALTHOUGH when I said, "I've quit. I'm a nonsmoker," and then I say, "It's been two days," many of my smoker friends chuckled, Yeah right. Funny how some don't take me seriously, and how I use their lack of faith as a boost for my ambition.


I'm interested in what non-smoking life is like. Jeez! I truly think that as a nonsmoker I will be generally less stressed out and more.. attentive to my surroundings.

Participating in the world without messing with cigarettes is like being in the world for the first time again.

I don't want to think about the old routine, because I'm shedding it. If I don't want to be a smoker when I'm 30, I might as well not be a smoker as I approach 24.

I'm looking forward to all the new smells I'll get, as my li'l self is cleansed.. feels like I'm a cat at a window screen in early spring, sniffing. =^.^=

Meow indeed! Happy cat am I!

I feel like I just punched the sun!

Is Progress the opposite of Congress?

...If so, I'm proud to announce I won't be running for office!

Don't hate, but I'm going to write some more about smoking. Quitting is tedious and hilarious. I started my last smoke and my sore throat was not digging it. I smoked about half the thing and spent a few minutes staring at it in my left hand as it burned. I didn't take another drag as I decided that it ought to be my last one. I flipped the books on the cigarette again. Stared at the ashy tip and watched the snaking ribbon of red curl around the cigarette as it burned for no one's drag. Felt accomplished.

Geez Louise it's freakin' scary to think about it: RJ Reynolds has had me by the girly-balls for like six years. 'S gotten to the point where I'm like afraid to think about not smoking. It's like part of my life and shit. Just like shit! I mean, it happens! Go too long without a shit and you start to get nervous, right? (eyeroll)

To digress: Don't cigarettes make people have to poop anyway? Maybe that will help me with this umpteenth stab at Cold Turkey that I am taking currently. Perhaps that will help me to see smokers as less cool and more like .. regular people who poop. Hipsters drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes? Shitsters.

Psh, Yeah! This Works!

Tools to keep my hands occupied when I'm out at the usual haunt with the usual suspects smoking: Copper wire + beads + needle-nose pliers. I dig making earrings. I can just make a ton of 'em and keep my paws busy.

In the past I've asked to just hold an unlit cigarette for a while. I've asked friends if I can flick their cigarette for them, without taking a drag - just to do that.. and it really helped.

True: As a smoker, if I can kick this damn habit I can Actually do anything. (except ride a Velociraptor in the night)

True: Austin = hipster-swarm. Being a nonsmoker, I will own one of the few precious ironies most hipsters fail at embodying no matter how hard they try not to try.

IWILLKEEPYOUPOSTED!

continuing saga

Cold turkey is the way to go, they say. I've been going . . uh, warm . . turkey? Warm turkey?
Shore. I'll call it that.

48 hours smoke-free here . . 26 hours there . . It was hard to be still at my usual haunt. I found myself taking a load off and from the moment I sat down I felt like a little kid raiding the cookie jar. It's a lot harder to resist when I knew that I was my own 'parent' here. Pft, what'm I gonna do, ground myself?

So I caved once, then I caved twice. 

I've done well to not beat myself up and think of myself as a doomed cancer-bound ho destined for wrinkles and perpetual grumpiness. 

On the awkward bright side, the sore throat is back so the smokes are less enjoyable!

More interesting and entertaining thoughts to follow. 

Maybe even tea tree toothpicks.

Midnight's approach

My phone's not ringing, but my ears are.
Caught the bus home.
I have an unnatural fear of ceiling fans.

So this blog, this is why I call it Vices vs Virtue.
Tonight, guess which has won?

I busted into the store like a new foal,
to use the restroom before I caught the last bus home.
Got some Sweet Leaf tea so's not to feel guil-tea
for jacking their faciliteas.

They had a charge card minimum of $4, so Why not?
I snagged a bottle of Francis Coppola Malbec.
$2-something became $20-something,
I bussed it back,
and the song that took me home on my iPod?
Back on the Chain Gang.

With some smokes and some vino,
some groove on the stereo,
I pass a Monday night,
keys at the fingertips,
pen and paper for later.

Vices: 1, tonight fer shore
Virtue: 1, it's at the core

The danger zone

This is my largest challenge for not smoking: My haunt. The patio bar where I sit attempting to do homework.

 Homework is on hold because I'm having serious hesitations with this non-smoking thing. This place IS Where To Smoke. I don't think I can make it here.  Can you forgive me?  I'll do it.. eventually.

I'm rationalizing, crap: What if I only smoke here? What if I never buy them again, and I only bum like one smoke every time I come here?  Can I actually do that!? 

...Yes, apparently. OOgh. That first damn drag. ...It's suuch a drag. ><

Lowered half macy, ah lack tis Pail Mail.

Hey, Vonnegut smoked these..

..I'll get back to you on this failed endeavor. 

I best not let it ruin my juju to Try. I won't let it! That's another fault of those of us trying to quit: We don't forgive ourselves for slipping up. One slip and it's, "Oh hell, I've failed. I'm upset with myself now. I'm a loser, I might as well buy a pack." No, nooo! Wrong idea.

I'm going to Enjoy this cigarette and I'm going to let it go.

First thing, Second post, 24 hours in.

The inspiration to start this evolving project came to me yesterday as I considered quitting smoking.

I know a lot about quitting, since I've tried and tried.. but I'm ready to be proud of myself for something, and I'm starting with The Big One. I'm going to have to much on a few gummi bears as I type this up. (Distract! Replace with sugar!)

Society loathes The Smoker: The smoker is an asshole. The smoker pollutes everyone's environment, the smoker has no regard for his own life, the smoker is dirty for smoking and is representative of The Riff-Raff Of The World. This image of the smoker has actually helped me feel more like ass for having continued to smoke. I've had a few devil-may-care moments, but I am (was? can I say was yet? It's been 24 whole hours!) the type to light up alone and then feel a little guilty. I know what I've been doing to myself.

It's true that smokers are excellent at manipulating themselves. Hang around one in the process of quitting cold turkey and just wait. A red light makes her late: She's already screwed, she might as well pick up a pack of smokes and hop back on the 'nicotrain'. A break-up: Oh you're definitely going to start smoking again.

** Turn the cravings and frustration around on the tobacco companies. Be angry with them for having such a hold on you in the first place! Here you have an outlet for the irritation, and  it's a healthy one!

** Every time you don't buy a pack of cigarettes, write down how much money you're not spending, and reward yourself with something once in a while (but don't exceed the $ you've not spent on smokes).

** Always be aware that a smoker's day is a stressful one. Smoking and stress are like sex and the morning after. Don't stress: Be joyful!! You're not making the walk of shame back to your apartment from the corner store with a pack of camels.

** Don't complicate it. If you wonder, "How do nonsmokers DO this? How can you just Not smoke after you eat?", then just... don't smoke. That's how they do it.



This blog is about digging it , getting the most delicious juju out of this wig-wag world, and it starts within. So here we begin: with the nicotine nix.


...about 10 gummi bears in, and about 8 cigarettes I've not smoked today, So far so good. I want to do this, so I suspect it'll be easier than previous attempts.

Whaaaat is going on here?

I'm starting this blog because I'm tired of talkin' shit.

That reads like an oxymoron...
...but sincerely, I am crossing thresholds all the time, learning about life, dreaming, love, music, sleep, oatmeal, bicycles, rejection, and more.

Twenty-three years old: 86 unmerited cynicism; re-stock appreciative juju.

Living alone and experiencing more joy every day, I'm ready to make the list and learn how to dig it: How to dig all of it.

I'm going to keep track of the landmarks on the way here, and I'm not going to hold back my frustrations either.

All this stuff lives in my journal anyway; it's three dimensional and I am persnickety about the pens I use... but if I'm going to stop talking shit  and start treating myself the way I ought to, in order to be generally more groovy toward the ones I care about, I should have this all up online and be held accountable by the millions of Nameless, Faceless, Alias'd Internet Users!

Anyway, the first 5 letters of "digital" spell Dig It, so I'm gunna.