bleah!

here's this thing I just dug up from the bowels of my computer, illustrating a little of the dark, dear bloggery...!  I don't always feel this way, I don't even often get down and out like this, but nonetheless.. whatever.. here's some whiny shit.




I think I am becoming a nihilist, if I’m not incidentally one already.

I manage to make a few plans and I manage to follow through with a few of them.

It’s 2014, the fucking world is terminal.

I am part of what’s called the human race. I am a sickness, and I am waiting around to die. I consume almost without much restraint. If I can get it, I will. If I can eat it, if I can drink it, drive it, use it, turn it on, smoke it, wear it, throw it away, I will. Oh don’t worry I drink a lot of water, too, and I have a bagel every morning, and I brush my teeth at least twice a day. I drive a car. I eat frozen pizzas but I buy the ones that seem healthier. Like sometimes the way a product is packaged? Makes it look healthier?

I want it to be the ‘50s, I want to be a housewife who writes and gets published sometimes, with a professor husband, and I want to make meals and clean up and live modestly.

It’s 2014.

Of course all I want to do is listen to music, read nonfiction, drink alone, stare at my face in the mirror and pluck blackheads from my nose with my thumbnail, be judgmental, project my flip-side winning and emotionally mature personality, marvel at how I manage to go about the daily routine, how I manage to do anything at all.